Too Hard

Its Horrendously hard.

Hard to wake up.

Hard to breathe moment after moment.

Harder still to try to get up and bathe especially since this way too frequently triggers flashbacks for me.

Its harder than hell to look at myself in the mirror and Impossible to love or even like what and who I see.

It is beyond my ability to cook myself breakfast, too many days I go without eating breakfast (or even anything at all), on the days I do eat I manage to drag myself into the kitchen, pull down a bowl and pour cereal into that bowl… and some days when my will doesn't equal the weight that the milk jug feels, I just creep back into bed and eat the cereal dry, or not at all.

Its hard to convince myself to swallow, and hard to make my stomach calm down enough to keep it down.

Then the battle comes to get myself to make the effort to gather the medications together that I need to take.

Knowing that for all the pills I have, and all that I need them, they do not help enough.

Not nearly enough.

Not for the nausea/vomiting, not for the back and neck pain, not for the wrist pain, not for the migraines, or any other pain that crops up.

Definitely not for the seizures, the anxiety, the flashbacks, Prolonged/chronic Post traumatic Stress Disorder, Concentration Camp Syndrome.

But the thought of not having the slim help that they give TERRIFIES me.

So I make myself find the will to get the medications and take them.

On the ‘lucky’ days (being ones without appointments), at this point the effort of doing just the above, with the weight of another day to get through weighing far too heavily upon my shoulders, I crawl back under the covers and beg for more sleep or sleep at all.

Too often, far far too often I get little to literally no sleep for days at a time.

Laying in bed, tired beyond all comprehension, physically, emotionally, mentally, and still unable to sleep.

Then there are the hours I do sleep, where 95% of the time I wake up from a Night Terror that leaves me panicking, scared, confused.

Waking up after as little as 30 minutes at times from these horrendous dreams that mimic my flashbacks far too vividly. The sleeping medication sometimes helps to get to sleep, but doesn't keep me asleep, and doesn't help with the night terrors either.

Too too hard.

Too hard to breathe in and out.

Beyond fathoming any way to wash away these torturous images of depraved abuse I went through.

Too hard.

Hours upon hours alone and too often unable to sleep.

Too terrifying to even try to watch tv anymore because even commercials, colors, sounds,etc trigger these newly remembered flashbacks, dragging me down into their own special hell with them.

By Mindy Hawk. All rights reserved.